A few weeks ago, while perusing my facebook feeds, I came across a quiz posted by a good high school friend of mine. You’re all familiar with these kinds of quizzes, right? They are constantly getting floated around amongst all of our facebook feeds. Quizzes like “What Disney princess are you?” or “Which Muppet are you” or “What Hunger Games Character are you” or “What European country should you really live in?” or “What major city should you live in” or any of a thousand others. If you choose to click on the link, you are then taken to an external website and asked several questions that seem to be not so scientific and rather random...but it doesn’t really matter because it’s all for fun...right? So we take five minutes of our life and find out that we are really Cinderella and also Gonzo and should actually live in Romania and we move on with our life with that bit of fun tucked somewhere in the ridiculous part of our brain where we store things like that.
I want you to first understand that I realize that these quizzes are a total waste of our time. And second, to understand that I totally take about half of all the ones that come across my path. Curiosity drives us to do silly and senseless things.
That’s fine.
No harm done.
I have found out some important things through my quiz-taking. For instance, I am Peeta from the Hunger Games...which totally rocks because I LOVE Peeta! Also, that I should simultaneously live in Portland and Germany...which slightly disappointed me because I answered the questions trying to get results telling me New York and England. Sigh. Why am I destined to never live in England? It is my dream within a dream...but, I digress.
Recently I came across the quiz I mentioned at the beginning of this little rant (yes...this is going to turn into a rant). The title caught my eye and immediately made me scowl a little scowl. It was called “How many kids should you have?” You should be forewarned that I have OPINIONS about how we should decide that sort of thing. And that I think far too many people go about that decision too cavalierly.
So, scowling and curious, I took the quiz. I decided to answer it how I would have before I was a mom (single, selfish, squeamish about bodily fluids, and not very interested in spending time with kids) probably like most young, single adults would answer. At the end of the brief quiz I was told that I should have no more that one child because I just wasn’t cut out for mothering. I honestly laughed at the result because, as a mother of five, it was ludicrous! I don’t think that the results actually ever said the words “unfit mother”, but after I took the quiz, that’s how I remembered me being described in the results. An unfit mother.
The reason that I am so bothered by this quiz, in particular, stems from my beliefs about God and about motherhood. In society, we are told that we need to take care of ourselves first. That we have to “find” ourselves and be “true to ourselves” and be free to “pursue our dreams” and “have it all...all at once”. Though those concepts are true to some extent, we are taught them in a way that encourages selfishness and egocentric living in the vain pursuit of happiness. Even a casual study of God’s words tells us that finding happiness is actually achieved in the opposite way. Lose yourself and you shall find yourself. Serve others and you are serving Him. There is value in putting someone’s needs before your own. In layman’s terms it’s called growing up and not being a princess! Of course, anything taken to the extreme isn’t healthy either. The mother who is in shambles emotionally because she does absolutely nothing for herself isn’t what God teaches either. Not running faster than we have strength is also a commandment...and for good reason.
God commanded Adam and Eve to have children for more reasons than just to populate an empty world. It would be good for them. It would bring them joy. It would teach them eternal principles that would make them more like Him...if they would allow it...and, ultimately, bring them back to Him again.
Parenting is a Godly pursuit.
Deciding to become a parent and deciding how many children to have is not something to be taken lightly. God is deeply aware of us and willing to guide us if we allow Him...especially about things so eternally important as IF and HOW MANY children we bring into this world. We shouldn’t base our family size decisions on what we thought was cute when we were 13, or on how many kids Cliff and Claire Huxtable had on the Cosby show, or even on what we thought was a good idea when we started having kids. We definitely shouldn’t base it, or even let it be influenced by, some internet quiz. I was told I’m Peeta. I’m certainly not going to run out and legally change my name to Peeta Mellark!
When I got married 15 years ago I was about as insecure as a girl could be about my future mothering “abilities”. I had grown up as practically an only child and had little patience for kids. I did my fair share of babysitting, but never LOVED spending time with kids or getting on the ground and playing make-believe with them. It was always a task rather than a pleasure. I was sure that mothering was not something I would be very good at. I even went so far as to warn my (then) future husband when we were engaged that I was going to disappoint him where mothering was concerned. I gave him a chance to get out before we said “I do” and find a sweet girl who would be a wonderful mom to his kids. Thankfully, he laughed, assured me that he wasn’t going anywhere, and expressed far more confidence in my future as a mother than I then had. We married and had a baby boy a couple of years later. I was right about a few of my inabilities. I wasn’t patient. I was selfish. And I still didn’t like to get on the ground and play make believe. I learned, though, that there were so many things about motherhood that I actually did well...things that I’d never even thought about. And I loved that red-headed baby boy more than I ever thought imaginable. I laughed at all the hilarious things that happen when raising a child. I loved my husband even more as I watched him become an amazing dad. I grew as God taught me things about myself that I didn’t know and He helped me to become a better me. As I grew more accustomed to giving more of myself to others I really did begin to ‘find’ myself. I grew more confident in who I was and in my relationship with God, and in turn He helped me to see myself more through His eyes than I ever had before. He helped me to understand that what I was doing as a mother was more important than I realized. I was learning to trust Him more.
After having each child I just knew that I did not have within me what it took to have another. I did not have more love and more patience and for sure I did not have more time to give. After counseling with God, though, I also knew that somehow I would figure it out….and we would have another...and with God I did figure out the things that really meant something. Somehow, he gave me more patience. More love. More time. I am forever grateful that I did not make a decision early on about the size of my family because it most certainly would not look like my family looks today...what a tragedy that could have been.
I know there are so many reading this who may not have been able to have kids or to have as many kids as they wanted due to marital circumstances, infertility, or many other reasons. I am absolutely not saying that you are selfish or less grown up than those with kids. God knows each of us well and uses whatever trials we face to mold and sculpt us. He is as constantly there helping you with your difficult decisions as He has been there for me and countless others. Also, there are those who did counsel with the Lord about family size and the size for them was very small. That’s wonderful! Every person on this earth has their own plan. The number is not the important thing. The process we use to decide upon that number is.
We also live in a society in which we are told that you don’t choose to do things unless you are really good at them. If you’re not athletic, why would you sign up for soccer or basketball? In so many areas, including parenting, that idea negates God’s power and His purpose in our lives. If I would have believed that philosophy I would never have become a parent. It was in the act of willingness to do something hard (become a mother) that God was able to start to mold me (I say start because I’ve got a long way to go!). We are, all of us, imperfect beings in need of God’s power. We must be willing to venture into activities that naturally illustrate our imperfections in order to grow as God teaches us how to be strong in areas where we are now weak.
So, back to the quiz. I was told that I should only have one child because I wasn’t cut out for mothering. That is partially true. At that point in my life I didn’t have a lot of great mothering skills.
BUT.
I did have several things going for me. At the top of that list I had a loving Heavenly Father that was going to walk that road with me and teach me the things I needed to know as I went along. Fifteen years later I have five kids. I am more patient than I used to be by far. Although, my son recently described me as “An awesome mom….but, when you get mad you’re……….INTENSE” So, perhaps I’m still learning patience. I still don’t love getting on the ground and playing make believe, but I do love my kids. So, we find other things to do together that we can both enjoy. I’m trying to do better……..on most days. And on the days when I need a break I’ll take a quiz and become Peeta who is living in Germany rather than England (Grrr), or find out which Star Wars character I really am. One thing I will not be doing, though, is letting an internet quiz be a swaying factor in how I view myself as a mother (or future mother)....and I can only hope that instead of letting it influence you, you’ll instead remember that being a mother is the closest we can get, here on this earth, to heaven. That you have more potential than you, yourself can see….especially on the hard days, and that God is always there to walk that road with you helping you to learn and grow as you go along, and that He is always patient….even when we are….INTENSE.
